I have to admit the last few weeks have found me a bit overwhelmed. All summer we relished in the absence of appointments. Last winter, appointments occupied the majority of our lives. A morning in which we stayed in pyjamas and I finished my coffee was rare. So throughout the summer, when doctors visits were rare and therapists were mixed upon many relaxed mornings, I got use to the schedule. Surrounding Ellie’s birthday we were thrown back into the mix. Family doctors, cardiologists, specialists, therapists, blood draws. All part of Ellie’s regular upkeep to monitor any pertinent issues, many were only annual appointments. Almost every morning for the past three weeks I have loaded the diaper bag and prepared Ellie for morning visits. Last week I was on the phone with Ellie’s doctor getting her blood work results (no concerns, retake in 3 months) when the other line beeped with two separate calls. After hanging up the phone I checked my messages with two calls to return. One regarding the beginning of Ellie’s RSV shot which she will have monthly till May and the other for an appointment with Ellie’s speech therapist. I called the therapist back and in a moment of exhaust I forgot that I’d met her. I completely forgot who she was. We had only met her once briefly, but my embarrassment was tangible. I hung up the phone, looked at my calendar, took a deep breath, and made some tea. These appointments will never be as life encompassing as they were, or even as intense as they’ve been these past few weeks, but at that moment I felt more like Ellie’s assistant than her mother. Worried about remembering an RSV shot at the hospital over which is her favorite toy. I am blessed for many reasons, and the joy I feel in merely one of Ellie’s smiles proves she is overwhelmingly more a blessing than burden. We are only human and allowed to say, “really another appointment!” I am lucky the advocacy has been done for me. The nation of doctors caring for Ellie merely tell me everything I need to worry about and what needs to be done to help her, all I need to do is write down a place and a day. So, every Sunday, as is the case with tonight, I look to see what the week holds for us. Ellie is recovering from an ear infection and just finished antibiotics, I need to watch her to make sure it’s healed. She has an eye appointment this week and physical therapy on Friday. Later in her life we can evaluate therapies and scale down to what she specifically needs. I will do all I can for Ellie to reach her true potential, but there is such a thing as too much, and she has a right to determine was is best for her life. There are moms out there who don’t know what to expect with their child’s diagnosis, but I know. I know what to be afraid of and who will help us conquer it. We all feel overwhelmed sometimes, and I know we are blessed to have a healthy Ellie. On Saturday, I can take a deep breath and enjoy that we stayed in our pj’s all day, and watched a movie, and cuddled on the couch, and had bacon for breakfast. Maybe part of the point of feeling stressed is to relish in the relaxed, which Ellie has certainly taught me to do.
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