Turning up the volume

You know those secret songs you have, the ones that come on the radio causing your husband to roll his eyes, as you agree how ridiculous they are, secretly singing the words in your head. I had a very rare moment the other day in which I was completely alone in my car for an hour. At first I listened responsibly to the news, updating myself on situations I hadn’t even realized were occurring, but then I felt my fingers slide across the dials and before I knew what was happening Rihanna was singing about love at an almost ear piercing volume and I was joining her! I can imagine people in the cars next to me witnessing the crazy things that happen when moms are finally alone in confined spaces. Lately I’ve been thinking about if I’m doing enough for Ellie’s development. I’ve been so focused on her health I wonder if I’m keeping up with all the other work that needs to be done. With Mya I had developmental charts and markers I found we met pretty much on time. I received my weekly developmental email and she was usually right on track. With Ellie I’m not exactly certain where she should be because it varies so much for children with Down Syndrome. Most of the time I don’t focus on when she meets certain goals as I know that she will, it may just take time. But sometimes when I’m laying in bed at night those parenting strings that pull you towards worry and the unexplained feelings you aren’t doing all you can, tug at me. Am I helping her strengthen her neck muscles enough? Am I talking enough to her, saying the right words so she can start to understand? Should I have already started sign language? Did all that time recovering from heart surgery set her back? Are we using too many paper towels? Well that last one doesn’t occupy too much space in my mind, but sometimes when I really can’t sleep the worries start to get a little frantic. Seriously though, we need to acknowledge our paper towel consumption, it’s way too much. So I accept that every so often I need to just turn up the volume and drown my thoughts. It feels good. I know with both my girls I may never feel like I’m doing enough, I think as parents we would give our children the world so nothing can ever be enough. But I will try my best to be their biggest cheerleader, advocate, teacher, fighter, comforter, and anything else they need. And some days I will have epic tummy time sessions with Ellie while getting Mya to do her club foot exercises, and other days we will lay on our bed laughing and forgetting words like physical therapy because those moments are important too. And every so often I’ll find myself alone behind the steering wheel singing a little off pitch and way too loud.

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