Forgetting

I sometimes think about the change that happens within you when you have a special needs child, a life you didn’t expect. I’ve read articles about getting over the idea of the child you expected to have while adjusting to the child you have been given. For a little while I felt a strong sense of sadness for a little girl I thought I knew. I grew up thinking about this child, planning for her, picturing her and what her life would be like in my dreams. And then when she became more tangible, I had 9 months to focus on who I thought she’d be and how I pictured her playing on the living room floor. It’s strange to miss an idea, a dream, but there were nights I actually felt a real sense of loss for that imagined girl. I wondered where she went, if she was ok, and how I was going to accept her loss and move on. With all the craziness of life and it’s circumstances I realized tonight I haven’t thought about her in a long time. I don’t feel guilty for forgetting her. Maybe I’ve let her go, let her live her own life in someone else’s living room. Please don’t misunderstand, the thoughts for this imagined girl and her typical life never took away from the intense love I have for what I have been blessed with. I have deeply loved Ellie this whole time. Maybe without realizing it, I said goodbye to the typical image that had been in my head for so long. Somewhere along the way I’ve moved on without her. She never really belonged to me anyway. Maybe time is all you need to mourn a loss and realize you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. It only takes time to truly accept the gift you’ve been given, that you never expected to receive.

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